i spent several hours one day last week browsing my old posts.  i started blogging nearly 10 years ago on blogger.com, and around the end of my senior year of high school, i switched to xanga.  as i searched through countless entries about love, loss, old boyfriends, finals frenzies, job opportunities, and my constant search for God, i realized just how far He's brought me.

three months ago i seemed like i had it all.  i was depressed.  suicidal even.  

now, here i am...free from depression. boom. just like that.  well, maybe not just like that.  i had to make some serious decisions and let go of some serious baggage.  but as i did, i made room enough for the blessings He wanted to bestow upon me the entire time.

i thank God.

i thank God.

i thank God.

i am currently in the grips of the worst bout of depression i have ever had in my life.

some days are better than others...but most days, when i get up, i sit on the edge of the bed and wonder "how am i even going to make it through the day?"

some times, in my quiet moment, i want to end it all.  and then, in the back of my mind, i know that there will eventually come a time in my life when i won't feel like this.  i just know i don't want to feel like this right now.

i'm tired ALL of the time.

i eat EVERYTHING in sight.  i am now 200 pounds and i can barely fit the clothes i have.  the weight makes me want to hide from the world.

God, i'm sorry that i'm such a waste of a person.  you've given me so much, and i feel like i don't deserve it.  like i can't bear the weight of the pressure.

the facade of my happiness has long faded.  now when people look, i think they really can see the emptiness inside of me.  it's in my eyes.

i need help.  i need real help.  i need help.

God, help me.